your. SMILE(:

You blinked away the tears. Chest heaving up and down, you broke out in quiet sobs all over again. You feel your heart beat a painful throb, and it was a different kind of ache - a literal ache, not metaphorical, not a figment of imagination, it was real and you could feel it groaning in hurt. You clutched your chest, excruciatingly aware of the quivering sound of your teeth and arms. Yet, in next to no time, you stopped your tears. Anger surged throughout your body, like an irate volcano lashing out and drowning the world in its lividness. How dare anyone do this to you? How dare anyone look down upon you? How dare anyone breathe lies into your face?

You felt as if you were wounded all over. Disappointment clings onto you like a parasite grip, and you watched the clock tick-tock by at a vexingly slow pace. When good fortune falls, neither an hour can be added nor a lost hour be recalled. Here comes bad times, and miserable moments add on like an element. Bliss is scraping at the bottom, and you shook your head, blinding yourself to any sweet actions done or had since happened unto you. You are scarred, deeper than ever this time, a huge gash upon your soul, threatening the composition of your emotions. Look at the happy moments; you tell yourself, they slipped by with the stealth of an illicit lover in the breaking hours of morning light, and no sooner will bad times join in the mix. The impact was colossal, your heart beat quickens and thunders in your ears. You can feel your pulse pound ominously, as if blood will be drawed away from you, and your soul sucked out of your life. It was like huge tsunami waves crashing against your boundary, before you crumble down and submit yourself to the waters that menace you into darkness.

Mentally, you asked yourself, why bother? Yet you know your heart was never carved out of stone, but you know well enough that you needed this break, to sort the things in your mind that had already formed a massive cobweb, waiting to be unraveled and solved. The agony was once again tearing her apart. The emptiness, loneliness, need for reliance has now, once again, become self-sufficed matters. Why do the people you love most always have to hurt you in the most terrible ways? Thoughts are becoming incoherent as your vision blurred. Your lips cracked at the slightest twitch, yet the refusal to move anywhere was too strong. Your brain has grown to a mass of wool, which carries a tinge of weariness. You got to be strong, you know there are friends, but what now – what exactly? Frosted glass colours your future and you know not when and how to move the next baby step. You forced yourself not to feel any slimmest pinch of sorry for your ‘cruelty’ and unkindness. You fend yourself away from defiance thoughts, though bleak, but still defending all odds of possibilities. To step back, and to watch; fed with apprehension and anxiety – as to what may happen, it may all be negative, but at least an answer will be woven out of all complications, no matter what certain desire there is, daring you to succumb to it. But no. Not now, not yet. Time is what you really need.

Still a five foot three frame of steel walls and consternation, still tentative, still helpless.